I have decided to write one last blog entry to discuss what happened in the last month of my dads life.
It started out like this:
He would sleep in his recliner; and mom would sit and watch him. It was during this time that I was more worried about my mom than I was about my dad. She wasn't eating much; and seemed distant and depressed.
He was angry because he could not find his keys. We had to hide his keys for fear that he would drive. He insisted that he was just fine to drive, and that he would let us know when he was not. He also insisted on going to Bojangles for his morning biscuit. Mom would take him... he would take a bite or two and then sleep for a while. She would end up sitting there for over an hour. I told her many times that she was a Saint - for her unending patience with him.
After Bojangles they would go to the post office where he would get out and go in to check the box. Mom would wait in the car because to get out and go in with him would make him angry. (He did not need a babysitter!) One of those mornings at the post office she waited longer that usual for him to come out. She went in and he told her that he lost the key, and insisted that they purchase a new key for him. (Because they both needed a PO box key.)
He did not trust me or mom, and he told us. He continued to "control" his medicine tray because he did not know what we were giving him. At this point I was very confused, upset, indecisive, anxious, confused, etc... It was very hard for me to say anything "against" what my dad said. So, even if it was outrageous - if my dad said it - I wanted to believe it. He was increasingly "difficult" and did not want us to help him with anything. It was during this time that I had to continually remind myself... it was his stubborn nature and strong will that made him the great man that he was...
But, it did make things harder in the end.
And then it progressed to this:
Around this time mom came out of her sorrow and found her strength! (He's an on time God, Yes HE is.) I am in awe of her dedication and commitment to my dad. These last couple of years have not been easy. The heart problems, the chemo problems, the realization that he was getting things "mixed up". Living in a dark house because the light hurt his eyes... She never wavered.
And lastly to this:
The last days were very hard. Watching someone that I love suffer such horrific pain is one of the most difficult things I have ever endured. I would go home to get a shower - and sob uncontrollably. Then I would "dry up" and go back. Someone had to stay up all night to administer pain meds. He would try to get up and walk (with someone assisting) until the day before he passed. The last week was very painful for all of us. He was on a tremendous amount of medication, but was still in pain. He insisted on walking to the bathroom - which was very hard on my mother. Just getting his clothes on and off was a major ordeal! He stopped eating about a week before he passed. It was just too difficult. BUT, in the mist of all this heartache and pain, there was light and laughter.
My mom, myself, my niece Ashley, and my Aunt Louise, have bonded in ways that would not have happened outside of these circumstances.
My dad provided many moments of "comedy relief" for us -thanks to all the pain medications. *He "went fishing" with his oxygen tube. *Insisted that mom put the oxygen tube connector into his shoe. *Using the telephone to change the TV channel. *Told us when to stop talking. *Exclaimed "what the dickens!", numerous times. *One of the last times he went to the table for dinner he sat in moms chair and ate her watergate salad. (They said it was nuttier than usual:) *He told us to "take my teeth out!" Because they were hurting. (He had his natural teeth/no dentures)
And then there were God given moments:
*One night dad "called a meeting". My mom, Ashley, and I went to his bedside and in a moment of complete clarity, he apologized. He told us that he knew what was happening in his body and in his mind; and that he was sorry. He went on to say that it would only be a few more days, and that he loved us.
*He got up (with one of us on each side) and started walking toward the bathroom. He passed the bathroom and kept walking down the hall into the bedroom. He walked all the way to the wall and touched it. He turned around walked straight down the hall into the other bedroom and walked to the wall and touched it. All the while he was telling us "I have to walk across". When he got back he had walked the shape of a Cross. WOW.
*He asked mom if she would be OK; and told her "I'll meet you up there."
*On Thursday night (6/22) he told us that he saw his brother Jimmy. (Jimmy died in 2013) A few minutes later he told us that he saw Jesus. I asked what they were wearing and he said they were both wearing white robes. He then saw two angels and white horses. Mom asked did he see a multitude of angels? He said, "No, I see two angels." He continued to tell us that everything was "white as snow".
*On Monday, June 26, he did not open his eyes... until... the moment of death. He opened his eyes wide with wonder, and looked off into the distance. His eyes closed, and he was gone. Relief. Peace. Wonderful Peace.
The last week of his life I stayed with them 24/7 -and my children and husband survived without me. I would not change a thing; and I have no regrets.
To Transitions Hospice Care, thank you for making it possible for him to stay at home! A big thank-you to everyone who came to visit with him/pray with him! After he passed we were overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from our family, friends, neighbors, church family... the food, the visits! But what I will never forget is the peace that flooded our souls. The peace that surpasses ALL understanding. Thank you God for loving me so much.
We are now trying to figure out what life looks like without him in it.
I miss him.
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